Tag Archive | Emotion

Sometimes

sometimes

 

 

I got this off of a Facebook page that I go to when I can because I have Fibromyalgia….

https://www.facebook.com/pages/What-is-it-like-to-live-wFibromyalgia-Chronic-PainFatigue/312593338824037

Sometimes it is very hard to do both. Especially if you are like me and have to look at scars every day. I do my darndest to forgive him because I am a christian woman, but it is very hard to forgive and forget with the scars staring at you daily. What are your thoughts?

10 Early Warning Signs of an Abuser

warning

EARLY WARNING SIGN #1: COMMITMENT DRIVEN. This abuser claims to have fallen “heads over heels in love” with you, suggests it was “love at first site,” and believes you are soul mates. They will likely compare you to their ex’s, claiming that they have never felt so at comfortable, so “right,” or that they have never loved anyone as much as they love you. These individuals may propose marriage within the first 6 months, might pressure you into engaging in sex prematurely, and will fail to respect your boundaries and argue that your boundaries are unnecessary because you are obviously “made for each other.” Initially their professions of love are flattering, are intensely romantic, and seemingly mirror a childhood ‘fairytale love story.’ But in reality, these sentiments are only used so as to cloud your judgment, gain undo trust and confidence, and aides in the abuser’s ability to manipulate and control you in the future.

EARLY WARNING SIGN #2: DECEITFULMinor deceit, or the ‘telling of white lies’ frequently occurs in the beginning stages of a relationship. Even in healthy relationships, it is common for one to emphasis their positive qualities while also minimizing shortcomings so as to appear more “likable.” However, the abuser is blatantly deceptive in his portrayal of self and because it bears little resemblance to reality, great conscious efforts is expended in order to maintain their lies. The abuser is often superficial. He will be preoccupied with acquiring status symbols (car, boat, Rolex watch, et.); spends excessive time “perfecting” his image; craves attention, praise and reassurance; appears be overly-confident and gloats about his super-ambitious goals. Warning: the superficial abuser lacks empathy for others and experiences limited emotional responses. If you question his apathetic response, he will either blame his lack of expression on machismo, avoid expressing emotion by giving lavishly, expensive gifts in their place, or he may even demonstrate his talent for faking the desired response

EARLY WARNING SIGN #3: MINOR JEALOUSY.At first their jealous behavior doesn’t seem excessive, so there is no immediate ‘red flag warning’ indicating a prevalence for controlling or possessive behaviors. In fact, even though you notice he is uncomfortable with you talking to other men or even when you engage in activities without him, you likely perceive his response as “sweet,” or tangible proof of his devotion to you. Unfortunately, this minor display of jealousy is only the tip of the iceberg for an abuser; it will increase in intensity as the relationship progresses, and has the potential to manifest into a lethal attack. According to Stosny (2008), “jealousy becomes dangerous once it turns into obsession. The more we obsess about something, the more imagination takes over, distorting reality and rational thinking. Jealousy is the only naturally occurring emotion that can cause psychosis, which is the inability to tell what is really happening from what is in your head.” When their jealous behaviors are questioned, the abuser will claim that they are a direct result of his genuine love and concern for you. But, excessive jealousy is not a sign of love, rather it stems from his insecurities that suggest he must control or possess you, in order to keep you.

EARLY WARNING SIGN #4: VICTIMIZEDWhat do you know about his childhood? Did he experience abuse or neglect? If so, do these experiences continue to have a negative impact him? An abusive childhood in and of itself should not be considered a deal-breaker, however, if he uses his history of abuse as an excuse for his poor attitude or for feeling a general sense of resentment and entitlement; then this behavior should be on your radar.

Entitlement. Individuals with a sense of entitlement believe they should receive special treatment or considerations not afforded to others. They have an unjust sense of superiority and assume that their wants and needs are more important than those of others. Believing that everyone “owes” them preferential treatment; they often feel offended and/or disappointed when special considerations are not made, and as result then feel they should be compensated for their sub-par treatment. Stosny (2008) suggests, “After the glow of infatuation wears off, the entitled person will regard his feelings and desires as more important than yours. If you agree, you’ll get depressed. If you disagree, you’ll get abused.”

Resentment. Individuals who feel like they have been or are currently being unfairly treated are typically resentful of others. Although everyone experiences incidents of unfairness in their life, he contends that no one has helped them, or understood his needs, or taken his issues into consideration, nor have they been bestowed with appropriate levels of praise, recognition, or affection. Abusers tend to feel that they are not in control of their own lives, are incapable of rising above maltreatment alone, and blame their past mistreatment for all failures or areas of incompetence. Additionally, abusers are so focused on themselves that they are incapable of considering others’ needs. If you find yourself in a relationship with a resentful individual, you will spend considerable time reassuring, praising, and accommodating your partner; and in return your resentful partner will surely be insensitive to your needs, feelings or rights, and will leave you feel insignificant.

EARLY WARNING SIGN #5: LACKING CUPLABILITY. While presented as an early warning sign, generally “blaming others” is also a red flag behavior, whereas individuals who fail to take responsibility for their emotions, behaviors, and/or life outcomes should be avoided at all costs because of their destructive nature. It is likely that they also have endured an abusive childhood, therefore tend to label themselves as a victim and blame past abuses for current inappropriate acts or behaviors. There are two types of “blamers, those who shift responsibility for their problems and those blame others for their emotional response.

Blames Others for Problems. This individual appears to be attacked constantly, punished unjustly, prevented from success, and repeatedly victimized. They will almost never take responsibility for their problems, but are insistent that someone else is at fault. As the relationship progresses, he will eventually blame you as well for his mistakes, shortcomings and failures, although these claims are without merit.

Blames Others for EmotionsHe seems defensive all the time and reactive to his perceived maltreatment. Clearly depressed or angry, he will claim that he was “fine” until someone treated him unfairly by his or her words, attitudes, or behaviors. As this relationship progresses, communication will decrease; you will find yourself “pussy-footing” around him, fearful to say or do things that will set him off; and you will spend considerable amounts of time trying to make him happy. The abuser will claim that you alone are responsible for maintaining his emotional well-being and happiness, and vise-versa will blame you when he feels angry or depressed.

EARLY WARNING SIGN #6: SUPERIORITY. This individual has an attitude of self-righteousness, truly believes that he is better than everyone else, and will have no qualms telling you this. According to Stosny (2008) “potential abusers tend to have hierarchical self-esteem, i.e. they need to feel better than someone else to feel okay about themselves. They need to point out ways in which they are smarter, more sensitive, or more talented than others. This, too, can be seductive in dating, as he will point out ways in which you are superior, too.” Predatory, hierarchical self-esteem has been considered the most abusive display of superiority, whereas the abuser will intentionally attack others’ self-esteem, seeking to make others feel bad about themselves, and does this solely to increase his self-esteem. Not surprisingly, he will maintain very rigid, stereotypical sex roles. Eventually, he will refer to you using derogatory female terms, insisting that ‘as a woman, you should know your place.’ He feels you are inferior, will expect that you stay at home and forgo any career aspirations. He will argue your ideals, insist that you assume traditional roles, and/or use guilt to get you to agree with his point-of-view. These behaviors are ALL highly predictive of an abusive personality.

EARLY WARNING SIGN #7: LONER. At first, it might appear that he really enjoys spending time alone with you, or that values solitary and is uncomfortable around others, or maybe it is just that he loves being one with nature; but eventually you will want to get out and do something. The abuser’s insistence to hang out alone only serves one purpose, he wants to isolate you from the outside world because he is vested in keeping you all for himself. This individual will either outright refuse or offered excuses as to why he cannot meet your family or friends, but similarly he has not introduced you to his friends either. He might question your motives for wanting to hang out with your family or friends, or suggest that those closest to you are immoral and potentially toxic to your relationship, and insists that you go everywhere together (after all, that’s what you would do if you were truly committed to him) but then rebuts all efforts to engage in outside social interaction. When you talk of the future, he shares that he would like to live a minimalistic lifestyle, in which: he would work, you will stay at home; own a small home out in the country, the closet neighbor being miles away; possess only the basic necessities, i.e. no phone, cable, internet, and survive with only one car. WARNING: His fantasy life would completely isolate you from the outside world, strip you of any resources, and place you squarely under his control.

EARLY WARNING SIGN #8: PETTINESS –or- HYPERSENSITIVITY. Abusers tend to have low self-esteem, thus they are easily upset or insulted. Also, he tends to make a big deal out of nothing, focus on insignificant details or comments, and assume that any difference of opinion is a direct personal attack on him. These abusers are highly inpatient, excessively critical of others, and lack the ability to forgive others. He often claims that you have ‘hurt’ him; even your smallest infractions cause him emotional pain. While his petty attitudes and outrageous emotional responses seem unfounded, you will eventually feel devalued and question your sensibilities; but of course, you will often find yourself apologizing for things you may have said or done, that he misinterpreted or blew out of proportion.

EARLY WARNING SIGN #9: CONTEMPTUOUS. He his always joking around, or so he claims; but his “jokes” are ripe with malicious sarcasm and condescending undertones. While his jokes, albeit poorly timed, seem genuinely innocently intended; other times his hostility is as unmistakably purposeful. When he is not poking ‘fun’ at others, his direct conversations will likely be condescending, cruel or rude in nature. Importantly, listen to the way he talks about his ex; does he become angry, call her names, or use insulting descriptions in an effort to blame her for the demise of the relationship? Considering these interactional patterns, understand that for now, these are directed at others; but as the relationship progresses, you must realize that the attacks will shift onto you.

EARLY WARNING SIGN #10: AGGRESIVENESS. The words ‘abuse’ and ‘relationship violence’ immediately conjures up mental images of physical fights, bruises, cuts, broken furniture, et. We really have been cued into the tangible aspects of relationship abuse, we recognize it when we see it; we can identify it, when we hear it directed at someone. However, aggressive individuals never end the first dating by punching her in the eye; instead these behaviors manifest over time. Clearly, acts of aggression toward animals or children or verbal assaults would be considered ‘red flag’ behaviors. However, the abuser may act out his aggressions in other ways that will indicate his abusive personality. Aggressive individuals often have little patience, can be triggered into violent rages by minor frustrations, have a tendency to throw, smash, or obliterate objects that irritate him. These aggressive behaviors will likely present in regards to issues of intimacy, i.e. he will pressure you to engage in acts that make you uncomfortable or use ‘playful force’ during sex. He thoroughly enjoys being in control and likes it when you play the helpless victim; unless all other areas of the relationship are in perfect balance, you are dealing with a potential abuser.

While extensive, this list is certainly not exhaustive. The single most important tool for identifying an abuser is YOU. You must listen to your inner voice that tells you “something’s not right,” trust your instincts, and then act upon them. Don’t look for alternative excuses or conjure up an argument for why he exhibits such bad behavior; the reality is that he does, and has been, and will continue to behave this way regardless of any alternative explanation you might offer. Require more of yourself and more of a potential partner; do not settle for someone that would cause you to be fearful, defensive, or diminished. Understand that ‘if’ these abusive personality traits present at the beginning of a relationship, they will be followed with dangerous levels of anger, hurt, and resentment that will eventually be centered solely on you. Don’t take a chance on the potential loser; Get Out, Get Safe, Get Strong!

Writing a Letter You Will Never Mail

I was doing research online to help me write my letter and ran across this from a Counselor/Psychotherapist named Patricia Burnett and thought I would share.Wastepaper basket with crumpled paper

 

One choice for someone wanting to rid oneself of emotional pain resulting from abuse as a child or an adult is to write a letter you will never mail. You write a letter to your abuser, expressing your anger and hurt and shame and whatever else is shoved down inside and possibly impeding you from a full and successful life as an adult.

 

Writing a letter you will never mail

Patricia Burnett – Monday, November 07, 2011

Dear Abuser. . .

One choice for someone wanting to rid oneself of emotional pain resulting from abuse as a child is to write a letter you will never mail. You write a letter to your abuser, expressing your anger and hurt and shame and whatever else is shoved down inside and possibly impeding you from a full and successful life as an adult.

Some perspective

As a child, you were voiceless and powerless. You were small, and your abuser was large; physiologically, you didn’t stand a chance. Your brain was not yet fully developed, and you were intellectually unable to meet the abuse with adequate resistance and creative response. You lacked the vocabulary and the logic to confront and defend. You did not have a full knowledge of the world and your place in it. You did not know there were people beyond your family who wanted you safe; you did not know how wrong this abuse or neglect was, from a sociological view, nor from a loving and kind view in which every child is sacred.

The psychological and behavioral damage

As a child or adult, you lived in fear, and this meant that the stress hormone cortisol was ever-present, attacking your immune system and changing your brain chemistry so that you became, lifelong, more vulnerable to stress, depression and anxiety than people who did not experience abuse.

Behaviorally, people who have been abused may display some or all of the following:

  • Low self-esteem
  • Difficulty in establishing and maintaining trust in a partner relationship
  • Aggressiveness
  • Anxiety and depression
  • Anger, including road rage
  • Passivity
  • Clinginess and dependence
  • Self-loathing
  • Drug and alcohol abuse
  • Sleep problems
  • Self-isolation
  • Guilt and shame
  • Fear of new situations.

How writing a Letter to My Abuser can help

Writing a letter to the person or people who tormented you can have a cathartic result. You know how you feel, but somehow putting it in words, may help you in a number of ways:

  • Just “getting it out” feels good. You may have many difficult emotions as you remember and write, but when finished, most people say they feel better, which is the goal, or course.
  • Exerting the power of expression may lift your self-esteem. A common trait of people abused as children, or as adults, for that matter, is low self-esteem. “Telling off” your abuser feels empowering, across your current life.
  • In the writing exercise you may conceptualize your past in new ways and gain new perspectives.
  • You may process past events in ways that will give you a feeling of release and freedom.
  • You may feel that you can reclaim lost parts of yourself, or your soul.

Overall, a Letter to My Abuser can be a first step on your path to forgiveness. ( I am sorry, but I am not sure I will ever be able to forgive any of my abusers).

 

 

The latest from Patricia

 

Writing a letter you will never mail

Patricia Burnett – Monday, November 07, 2011

Dear Abuser. . .

One choice for someone wanting to rid oneself of emotional pain resulting from abuse as a child is to write a letter you will never mail. You write a letter to your abuser, expressing your anger and hurt and shame and whatever else is shoved down inside and possibly impeding you from a full and successful life as an adult.

Some perspective

As a child, you were voiceless and powerless. You were small, and your abuser was large; physiologically, you didn’t stand a chance. Your brain was not yet fully developed, and you were intellectually unable to meet the abuse with adequate resistance and creative response. You lacked the vocabulary and the logic to confront and defend. You did not have a full knowledge of the world and your place in it. You did not know there were people beyond your family who wanted you safe; you did not know how wrong this abuse or neglect was, from a sociological view, nor from a loving and kind view in which every child is sacred.

The psychological and behavioral damage

As a child, you lived in fear, and this meant that the stress hormone cortisol was ever-present, attacking your immune system and changing your brain chemistry so that you became, lifelong, more vulnerable to stress, depression and anxiety than people who did not experience abuse in childhood. Abuse in childhood is, in effect, trauma.

Behaviorally, adults abused as children may display some or all of the following:

  • Low self-esteem
  • Difficulty in establishing and maintaining trust in a partner relationship
  • Aggressiveness
  • Anxiety and depression
  • Anger, including road rage
  • Passivity
  • Clinginess and dependence
  • Self-loathing
  • Drug and alcohol abuse
  • Sleep problems
  • Self-isolation
  • Guilt and shame
  • Fear of new situations.

How writing a Letter to My Abuser can help

Writing a letter to the person or people who tormented you can have a cathartic result. You know how you feel, but somehow putting it in words, putting it in adult language with an adult understanding of the evil perpetrated upon you – using the power you didn’t have as a child — may help you in a number of ways:

  • Just “getting it out” feels good. You may have many difficult emotions as you remember and write, but when finished, most people say they feel better, which is the goal, or course.
  • Exerting the power of expression may lift your self-esteem. A common trait of people abused as children, or as adults, for that matter, is low self-esteem. “Telling off” your abuser feels empowering, across your current life.
  • In the writing exercise you may conceptualize your past in new ways and gain new perspectives.
  • You may process past events in ways that will give you a feeling of release and freedom.
  • You may feel that you can reclaim lost parts of yourself, or your soul.

Overall, a Letter to My Abuser can be a first step on your path to forgiveness.

How to do it

So what goes into a Letter to My Abuser? Naturally, it will vary from person to person, and you are free to write whatever you wish – that’s the point! –but here are some suggestions:

  • Set the scene: Where were you when this happened? Remember your home and your place in it. Were you rich or poor? Did you have supportive family and friends? Were you isolated? Was there food in the house? Was there mental illness in your home? Was someone disabled?
  • Describe your vulnerability and powerlessness. Remember how small you were. Remember how little you understood the world.
  • Identify the abuser and the abuser’s power over you. Was your abuser an alcoholic or drug user? Was your abuser a narcissist or self-centered? A follower of a cult or religious sect outside the norm?  Ignorant?
  • Identify the abuse. There are many kinds of abuse – physical, verbal, controlling, demeaning, sexual, neglectful. Playing favorites among the children is another common and painful practice. Describe the abuse. Try to remember a specific event and use it as an example.
  • Tell the abuser how you felt. Did you live every day in fear? Did you feel ashamed or guilty? Try to remember what ran through your head.
  • Tell the abuser about the lasting effects, the lifelong damage that started with abuse of a child. Look at the list higher in this article. Do you have trouble with stress, depression, anxiety, self-esteem, etc.
  • Tell the abuser off. Tell the abuser exactly what you think of him.
  • And, finally, tell the abuser he hasn’t won yet. You’re fighting for yourself. You have plans to make your life better. In another letter, to yourself, on another day, you can write about commitment to change.

You can write in longhand or on a computer. Either way, be sure to safeguard your letter so that other people in your household cannot access it. The letter is for you alone, or you and your therapist

You can write in sentences or bullet points or just stream of consciousness. You can swear, or not. You can YELL in capital letters, or not. You can cry as you write. But if you become too emotional, please take a break, have a cup of tea or talk a walk. You can work on the letter over a number or days, or set aside a day when you can devote all energy to it.

What next?

You will want to keep it only as long as you need it. You may need to look back on it a few times for the letter to fulfill its potential promise of release. Sometimes letter-writers then choose to burn the letter ceremoniously, a metaphor of burning up all the bad things that happened. Another option is to bury the letter, as in burying the bad. It’s up to you.

Good luck if you decide it is time to write your abuser a letter….get it all out! Let him/her have it! They deserve it after what they have done to you! It is time that I write mine….and I can assure you, he will get the brunt of my pent up anger that I have been harboring for years!

My Story

love

This is VERY hard for me to do…..but hopefully by doing this I can show that it is ok to share your story with others and to also show that you don’t need to feel like you are the only one out there cause you are not the only one fighting this battle.

I have had a very interesting life. I was abused at birth. The earliest that I remember is that I was backhanded out of my high chair for spilling milk out of my sippy cup. The others were nightmares but were confirmed after I grew up. First instance…I am terrified of thunderstorms because I was at my grandmother (on my birth mothers side) house and she decided she didn’t want me there anymore so she packed my little suitcase and threw me and my suitcase outside in the middle of a thunderstorm. The next one is that my brother and I were put on the bottom bunk of our bunk bed and she poured gas all around us and set the bed on fire. Thank goodness our Uncle happened by to check up on us so he was able to put the fire out before anything happened to us. Then there was an instance where she left my brother and I in a trailer, in the dead of winter, I was little bitty and my brother was still a baby, with no food water, heat or anything, while she went off to California with her boyfriend to do drugs. The neighbors across the street noticed that there wasn’t any movement in or out of the house for about a week and came by and noticed the condition of my brother and I and called the doctor. The doctor came…..and we both had pneumonia….diaper rash, malnourished, dehydrated, and he said if we were left alone for a matter of about 4 more hours we would have died.  Where was my birth father in all of this you ask. Well he was in the Army. And he would go a wall all the time to come back and take care of us…..but they would find him and bring him back. My grandmother on my birth fathers side tried to take care of us…..but she had children of her own and was living in a small trailer and couldn’t so the state stepped in and took us away. We ended up in foster care.  I was abused by foster parents.  I was put in a bed with I don’t know how many other children….all I know is that I was at the very EDGE of the bed. I still sleep like that to this day. No matter how much room I have on the bed, I always end up at the very edge…and never fall off. I was about 3 and was made to go to the HUGE strawberry patch and pick strawberries and milk the cows. From dawn till dusk. My foster parents had a son. I admired him because he worked with model molding. So one day I went upstairs to see what he was doing and he grabbed me by the hair and kicked me down the stairs. Thank God nothing was broke. My brother and I got adopted and things happened but for the sake of family peace I shall not mention what happened then. I got married when I was 16 and had 4 wonderful children. He could be controlling at times, couldn’t have friends, but to be  honest with you….I didn’t have time to have friends with taking care of 4 boys. Then after 13 yrs of marriage we just drifted apart and got divorced. I had a boyfriend before my next husband who was EXTREMELY controlling and ABUSIVE. I could not go anywhere without him….and had to go everywhere with him. He would kick me, punch me, slap me etc. He had me staying in an outdoor kitchen that was infested with mice and roaches and I had to wake up at 4 in the morning to go feed the goats and horses so he could sleep in. If I didn’t I would get it. Finally his family found out about me staying back there and got mad. So he brought me out the country to a friend of his trailer (in the middle of summer) no air conditioning no electricity. I had to stay there. No way to contact anyone. I almost died of heat stroke so he moved me to a little motel out in the country. There he continually beat me and punched me. One day he beat me so bad that i started throwing up blood. So I got on the phone and called a friend in Lafayette and told him what was going on and he came and got me and brought me to an abuse shelter. He helped me pack all my clothes and helped me get in the truck. As we were pulling out of the driveway I called the shelter and told them I was on the way and the vehicle i was in and that my friend was with me. Unfortunately, as we were pulling out my boyfriend was pulling in. So needless to say, it was a race by both to Lafayette to get to the shelter….but we won and made it in seconds before he got there. He tried to get in but the shelter was locked by gates and the cops came and picked him up so my friend was safe and I was safe.

After several months there, I moved to Mississippi and got married again, that is where all my REAL trouble started. Let me first say we lived with his mom and her  house was deplorable. He drank some before we got married but it wasn’t bad. But once I signed the piece of paper all hell broke loose. It is like it gave him ownership of me or something. He was controlling, didn’t want me to work. IF i went somewhere without him (which was few and far between) I had to bring receipts back. Or he was calling every 2 minutes to see where I was. And heaven forbid if I said or bought something that he didn’t like….I got beat. He drank like a fish…..10 or more 64 oz bottles of beer a day. Did cocaine, meth, marijuana, and lord only knows what else. I was not allowed to speak without him telling me that I could. When he was home I had to stay in the bedroom with him. He was lazy. If it was on the weekend, I was in the bedroom all the time.  It got to where I slept the majority of the time. Then I couldn’t really do that because I was afraid of what he was going to do while I was sleeping. I was also stabbed on a few occasions. He loved to go fishing…so we would go fishing and he would get so drunk that he would fall into the pond and then blame it on me and then beat me. One time it was so bad that I had blood running down my legs. I had to go to the ER. The doctor asked what happened, I told him it was just a bad “time of the month” but he knew better and gave me something for the pain and put me on bed rest. I had to hide the medicine from my husband which was farely easy because he stayed to drunk to remember where they were. It got to where he turned my whole family against me and I had to turn to strangers to be able to leave. One night at 1 am I packed a couple of trash bags (while he was work) and ran through the house and jumped in the car and drove as far away as I could. Once he found out I was gone….and wasn’t coming back….he kept calling my phone and threatening me. He was stupid enough to leave me messages on my voice mail threatening to kill me, plus his mom threatened to kill me AND I still had all the bruises and fresh wounds when I went to get the restraining order. The judge in Minnesota was shocked to say the least and VERY MAD! He told me that if my ex ever stepped foot in Minnesota he would regret it. But for now all he could do was issue a restraining order on him and his family. After I left and moved WAY up north (Minnesota) I have lived in fear for most of my life after that…..not until just recently have I decided that enough is enough and it is time for me to take my life back.

It is a one day at a time process….but I am getting better. I have started seeing a psychiatrist to help me deal with my flashbacks, because I have come to the conclusion that I can’t do it on my own any more.

You never get over being abused you will always remember it but you can’t let it ruin your life. I am finding my Brighter Tomorrow, let’s find your’s.

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Emotional Abuser

English: Robert Plutchik's Wheel of Emotions

English: Robert Plutchik’s Wheel of Emotions (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I got this off of a Facebook page called Abuse No More. 

 

Emotional abusers are very insidious – some of them are much harder to spot than others, because they mingle their abuse in between acts of generosity, and often employ emotionally manipulative tactics, and passive-aggressive behavior. Not all emotional abusers overtly belittle and verbally harangue their partners – some are much more perfidious and as such, their partners may not realize that the source of their distress and an unease over the relationship has been coming from abuse for quite some time.

The longer a person remains under the grip of an emotional abuser, the more they will start to question themselves, your actions and your beliefs. It is the abuser’s goal to make you believe that you deserve this cruelty and that only through you actions can you make it stop. It is their intent to get you to feel that you are the cause of any relationship problems, and that their (abusive) behavior is simply a response to you, and therefore acceptable. It is true, that only through your actions can you make it stop – you must have the courage to leave the relationship and avoid further contact with the abuser.

Krista

 

Warning Signs

Jealousy

Jealousy (Photo credit: williamshannon)

I found this on TWITTER and thought I would share it..this is the page that posted it.  https://twitter.com/loveyou1st

WARNING SIGNS

Many of the signs women are taught to Interpret as caring, attentive, and romantic are actually early warning signs for future abuse. Some examples Include:

INTRUSION: Constantly asks you where you are going, who you are with, etc.

ISOLATION:  Insists that you spend all or most of your time together, cutting you off from friends and family.

POSSESSION AND JEALOUSY:  Accuses you of flirting/having sexual relationships with others; monitors your clothing/make-up.

NEED FOR CONTROL:  Displays extreme anger when things do not go his way; attempts to make all of your decisions.

UNKNOWN PASTS / NO RESPECT FOR WOMEN:  Secretive about past relationships; refers to women with negative remarks, etc.

MORE WARNING SIGNS

1. Was or is abused by a parent.
2. Grew up in a home where an adult was abused by another adult.
3. Gets very serious with boyfriends/girlfriends very quickly – saying “I love you” very early in the relationship, wanting to move in together or get engaged after only a few months, or pressuring partner for a serious commitment.
4. Comes on very strong, is extremely charming and an overly smooth talker.
5. Is extremely jealous.
6. Isolates partner from support systems – wants partner all to themselves, and tries to keep partner from friends, family or outside activities.
7. Attempts to control what partner wears, what she/he does or who she/he sees.
8. Is abusive toward other people, especially mother or sisters if he is a male.
9. Blames others for one’s own misbehavior or failures.
10. Has unrealistic expectations, like expecting partner to meet all of ones needs and be the perfect partner.
11. Is overly sensitive – acts ‘hurt’ when not getting one’s way, takes offense when others disagree with an opinion, gets very upset at small inconveniences that are just a normal part of life. 
12. Has ever been cruel to animals.
13. Has ever abused children.
14. Has ever hit a boyfriend or girlfriend in the past.
15. Has ever threatened violence, even if it wasn’t a serious threat.
16. Calls partner names, puts him/her down or curses at him/her.
17. Is extremely moody, and switches quickly from being very nice to exploding in anger.
18. If a male, believes women are inferior to men and should obey them.
19. Is intimidating, for example using threatening body language, punching walls or breaking objects.
20. Holds partner against his/her will to keep him/her from walking away or leaving the room.