Wondering

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Sorry I havn’t been posting a lot. I have been having issues….so to speak.

I went to my therapist the other day and she says that I harbor a lot of resentment and anger towards my abuser. There were a whole lot more than one but we were focusing on my last husband.  I kind of laughed at her and said you think.

She told me that if I wanted to move on I would have to forget about him. I told her that is all finally e an dandy except for the fact that I have to look at stab marks everyday.

The picture above is my arm. And that is the PG rated version. I have to look at those every day…how am I supposed to get over the resentment and anger?

So I would like everyone’s opinion on how I’m supposed to get over the anger, looking at stab marks every day?

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4 thoughts on “Wondering

  1. Dear Sandi,

    I have some ideas especially from my therapist and my own interpretations of her advice:

    1st: When you look at your scars, touch or massage them gently and say it’s all over now, you’re safe, I love you. I am safe, I am loved. Feel your breath, slowly, in and out.
    2nd: When you have those upsetting thoughts, put your hand on your heart and breathe, and love your heart like it was a baby. You can go to the bathroom to do this if others are around.
    3rd: Each time you remember an incident or a person, breathe in love, breathe out love.
    4th: Each time you feel any kind of tension or upset over anything at all, say to yourself “I must be needing some healing right now;” or “something must be coming up to be healed,” etc.

    You cannot forget about that husband or any of them; I know this. But you can take back the power you’re giving them with your resentment and rage. Sometimes the anger we feel is partly toward ourselves for “putting up with” or not seeing in advance what the problem was, or guilt if others (children) were put in harm’s way. Guilt is a big trigger for anger, and we get angry at the person who caused the chain reaction. But it doesn’t help at all. Guilt needs to be healed, definitely.

    You did the best you could, and in that regard, your therapist is correct. Although you won’t ever completely forget, I don’t think that’s what she/he means. It means the thought or memory of that person(s) will lose its power to hurt you, or at least the hurt will only last a moment if you:
    1. Feel the feeling, ALLOW it as you continue breathing and feeling.
    2. At the same time or quickly thereafter, turn to self-healing thoughts.
    3. If needed, tell yourself it’s okay to release the feeling (anger, guilt, anxiety, etc.)

    That’s your healing practice, your spiritual practice. And it’s a life-long practice but, for me, it works.

    Just had a great affirmation recently: “It is alright for me to take care of myself,” which I then changed to: “It is vital for me to take care of myself.”

    Thank you for sharing so I could have this opportunity to heal my secret scars as well.

    • I didn’t want to share….because to me it is a sign of weakness. I am weak because I can not handle it myself. And yes I am working on that one as well with my therapist. But I am glad that I do once I do….I feel like a brick is being lifted off my shoulders. I know that I will never forget about him. And I thank you very much for your tips. I will have to try them. Thank goodness there were no children involved with him. And I do feel guilty to some extent. Why wasn’t I woman enough to stand up for myself sooner and say enough is enough and get out? You know, before it got violent. I guess these are all questions we ask ourselves. After 8 years I have gotten alot better. I do get out and about now. I do talk to other people. And I am not constantly looking over my shoulder. I do still look just not all the time. I like for problems to be fixed right away and I can’t do that with this one and I guess I have a liiiiittle bit of anger because of that as well….but I will continue to work on it and it WILL get better!

  2. So your therapist states that you harbor anger. Chances are good that your therapist never married a man who turned out to be a serial rapist.

    Occasionally, this drive to find other victims just surfaces.

    My terror and anger gets stored in a mental drawer and I wear my best “poker-player” face. That works for a while.

    You never get over the hurt. You never get over the anger. You do get through it.

    I love the few friends who believe my story and I love my God. There are times when me and God have a good cussing screaming fit, but we’re still tight.

    • I don”t know about the serial rapist part but he is definitely an extreme abuser. And I am with you about my therapist. I think that therapist need to have gone through what the individual has, instead of just getting their information from books! I have one more therapy session scheduled but then after that one I am not going to schedule anymore. It is not doing me any good. I tell her I have a fear of being in groups (i get panic attacks), so what does she tell me? Go to group therapy! I have done just fine the last 8 years without her, I will continue to do just fine without having her to talk to. I will continue to just scream into my pillow if I get frustrated or mad. Thank you for understanding.

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