I don’t really like talking about my past a lot. But today I HAD to. And I am hoping that it will be the start of a new beginning of helping me to getting rid of the memories of my past.
Thanks to a wonderful person in my life I am now seeking help for getting rid of my memories. He understands what I am going through and lends me ALL of his support. Which in itself is kind of scary. I am not used to that. But it is getting better.
Today I went to go see a Behavioral Health specialist. I will not lie, it was VERY hard for me. She had me talk about things that took me years to to put out of my mind (so to speak). I felt a lot of anger that I had suppressed over the years. I felt ashamed because I am not that kind of person at all. But she told me to let it all out. That keeping it in is bad. I told her I don’t want to remember, that it was bad enough that I had to look at the scars every day. I started shaking, and trembling with anger, and I told her everything that happened all through out my life. I have been abused in one way shape or form since day one of my life until 2 years ago.
My therapist told me that she is amazed that I am still standing and taking control of my life. And that it will take a long time but that I WILL get through this. No more nightmares…no more flashbacks…..no more depression….and no more crying spells due to the abuse. She PROMISED me.
But for now she gave me HOMEWORK. Can you imagine a 41 year old having homework…lol. #1 – I am supposed to write my second ex a LONG letter explaining what he did to me and how it made me feel. And how it has affected my life. And at the end of the letter I am supposed to write…LET IT GO, I AM AT PEACE! I don’t think I will be at peace after the letter but will give it a try.